The Running Dream

Book club in our new neighborhood is tonight.  The book is "The Running Dream."  It is a YA book and I almost always struggle with those.  The immature voice drives me nuts.  Maybe it is because I have two teenagers, maybe it is because I loathe whining.  Whatever it is, I have a hard time enjoying most modern YA books.

I got the book on Sunday from a neighbor and have read the first 1/4 of it.  It is about a girl who loves to run, she is better than she has ever been, then she is in an accident and loses her leg.  She is frustrated at the world and bitter. She is definitely whining about it.  So I think to myself, "Come on, this is not the end of the world.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  There are lots of amputee runners. You will run again." That is when I realized that I should be saying that to myself.  "Come on, what you are going through is not the end of the world.  Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  You will run again."

I am not an amputee. But I have my share of struggles.  While in them lately I have been complaining and getting frustrated and grumpy.  "Why are things not the way I want them now?"  or "I don't see how they will ever be the way I want them."

For the girl in the book who lost her leg, I can see the whole picture, but she can't.  She is short sided. For me, I can't see the whole picture, but my Heavenly Father can.  He has a plan for me.  I know he is trying to show me the plan and tell me, "You will run again."  And I sit here and whine because I can't run right this moment!

I am trying to see the plan.   I am trying to understand the planning that takes place so that not only I can run but so that I can help my kids run.  I am trying to listen and be grateful for his path for my family.

I am trying and I am beginning to see.

Goals

Moving has placed me "in the depths of despair," as Anne of Green Gables would have put it.  But I have had a few eye opening experiences today that have allowed me to see that I only had a little mud on my shoes and everything will be ok.

I have decided to write down my goals and start focusing and seeing my future.  Building it.  I know sometimes things don't work out the way we want, but on the other hand if we don't have a vision for what we would like, then it really can't turn out the way we want either.

I want to travel.  I want faithful, successful, kind and service oriented children. I want a strong marriage.  I want a paid off house.  I want to serve missions with my husband.  I never wanted to live in Southern California, but with this cold in Utah, I am thinking that I do.

Homeschooling

I wrote this post just after I started homeschooling almost 3 years ago.  I never published it.  Reading it now,  I feel that raw emotion that I felt when I wrote it.  We have grown a lot in 3 years. I am not so afraid anymore.


I actually haven't been very forthcoming about the fact that we are homeschooling this year.  I have felt weak and didn't want any criticism.  I always said I could never/would never homeschool my kids.  Just out of selfishness for my time, let alone a thousand other reasons...my kids make me crazy fighting, screaming and messing up the house all the time.  (I know this sounds awful and I am not saying this is how other moms are, but this is how I was.) I only say that because everyone that finds out we are homeschooling for some reason thinks that I want them to do the same.  That is not true, although if you want to try it, you should.
There are so many wonderful things about homeschooling like sleeping in, reading books snuggled in the bean bag, keeping those terrible middle school experiences at bay, or doing what you feel your Heavenly Father has asked you to do.
There are also not so fun things like finding out that your 3rd grader has been lying about doing her math assignments all week, or having a meltdown in your closet because you do not feel compitent enough to teach everything the world has to offer to your five children in one year, or your 5 year old telling you he can't wait for kindergarten because he does not want to be homeschooled.
To be honest it is super brutal.  But when I ask my girls if they are ready to go back to public school, they say "no way". They even tell the five year old "Don't do it! People are so mean."  It would be easy to send them back and I am not sure that I never will but for now I am learning at least as much as they are.  I am sure that no situation is 100% ideal, but I hope I can do my best for them.  I am going to try.

Sometimes it is harder than it looks

I know it is easy to smile and pretend it is all ok. But sometimes it is harder than it looks.  To see someone and assume that the smile means it is all ok would pretty much always be wrong.  Pretty much always.  Dealing with other humans or not having other humans to have to deal with can both be hard.  Life is hard.  I am feeling it.  Tomorrow I am sure I will feel different.

Another Year, Another Move

Here it is, the second year in a row starting off with a move.  Moving is a bit of a nightmare.  You put all your stuff in boxes and can't find what you need for weeks before the move and weeks after the move.  Then you wish you hadn't kept even part of what you did, because moving a bunch of junk feels horrible.  The kids are all sad, overwhelmed, lonely, and grumpy.  That is except the 7 year old who has tons of energy and wants everyone to play with him.  While everyone else has no energy and no patience.  This ends up being not a very nice mix.

At the moment all have been ordered to sleep.  Which is made difficult by the screaming coming from the 7 year old, who feels betrayed by everyone because no one has the energy or patience to deal with him.

I do like some things about moving.  This list is an attempt to remind myself that there are positives.

New places
New friends
Getting rid of some but not enough junk.

We moved here for a few reasons. Maybe writing them down will help me remember and focus on them.

Skyler going to college.  BYU or UVU
Kaely going to a performing arts school. UVU or Pioneer High School
Misty possibly going to law school or business school.
Saving enough money for a down payment on a home.


I am tempted to get a job to speed up the process of getting a home. But one of my reason for waiting is that I really do not want to send the twins to public school in Jr High.  I also feel like the big kids will need a lot of support in college their first year.

I know we are supposed to go through new scenarios and experience new things so that we know how to succor others and so that we can grow and be better.  I have been struggling with feeling willing.  I will try harder to do better and be more positive.  I will.

Other things worth noting

We got a dog for two weeks... then gave it back.

Kaely had a really fun 12th birthday party at the mall.

And got ...

a cellphone!

My cousin got married.

and Skyler grew taller than me and now is trying to pass Shay!

Long time coming

So I finally graduated in May.  It was a crazy whirlwind of a day.  My beautiful friend Brenda Rakes came to celebrate with us along with my sister, nephew and dad.

 We rushed from graduation, to Kaely's play, "Fiddler on the Roof."  She played a villager.

The next week I went to my brothers graduation from dental school at Loma Linda.  I was so proud of him and all the hard work he put in.  His kids are beautiful and so is his wife.  I loved being with them. it was so fun.  I also loved waking up and picking grapefruit from his trees for breakfast.

I came home from my bro's graduation to go to girls camp and be in charge of the food.  It was an eye opening experience. It was the first time I had gone to girls camp since I was a teenager.  It was K's first  time and she absolutely loved it.  She was awarded best first year camper.